So, in preparation for surgery, I did lots of reading. I looked over those blogs and imagined how life would be with my new 4-6 oz stomach. I even..(don't laugh) tried to pretend that I had a little bitty stomach and played like I could only eat little bits. That was fun because when your stomach isn't truly full but you're trying to pretend that it is, the not full stomach tends to win over the mind thing. Some people are great at personal control and sacrifice and can really make this mind bend work for them, even for a little bit. Not me. That's why I was in the place of being over weight in the first place. I'm not the epitome of self control.
I digress.
I knew going in that this would be a challenge. I knew that I would be able to eat less and that I may develop some food intolerance. I knew that my tummy might hurt a little if I ate too much or too fast. Shoot, I can handle all of that! This is going to be a tool to make my life better!! This is what I imagined.
What I failed to really work through in my head before surgery (because I had no clue what it would be like after surgery) was how the social aspect and enjoyment of eating food will change. Enjoyment of eating food. I think we all know what that is like. Think about your favorite food or meal, how that first bite tastes sooooo good. How the next bite tastes even better and you want another bite. How it tastes every bit as good as you remembered....yum. And how much fun it is to eat a great meal with the people that you enjoy and love, chatting it up, reminiscing old times! And how about that delicious meal that your hubby cooked, you know the one that is your favorite (roast, potatoes and carrots in the crock pot at this house). You can devour a plate full and go back for seconds not because your so much as still hungry as you just ENJOY the taste.
New reality. Eating isn't as enjoyable as it used to be. It's not so much that food tastes different although it kind of does a bit. It never tastes as good as I remember it did. Case in point, I was craving a lemon filled donut not too long ago. I went to Lamar's and got one (it was huge!) I got home and cut it into quarters because I knew that it would only be about 1/4 that I could eat. But I was excited. I LOVE lemon filled donuts. I ate the quarter and I was disappointed. It just didn't meet that need like it once had. It didn't taste as good. I thought maybe it was my choice of donut shops. Another day, I went by Crispy Creme and did the same thing, got a lemon filled donut. Ate 1/2 of it (it was a much smaller donut than from Lamars) and it just didn't ring my bell like I remembered lemon filled donuts doing. Talk about disappointed. Not only was I full for several hours, even close to too full, but I didn't have any room for protein intake and I felt terribly guilty that I was missing out on the opportunity to take in protein because I would have to wait awhile before I could eat again.
But this happens even with healthy meals. I can take a few bites and begin to feel full right away. Not such a bad thing when you're trying to lose weight, for sure. But it's not great when those bites kind of hurt. My stomach is small but not so small that I can't eat. However, certain foods just don't sit in my little stomach like they used to or like other foods do. So, it can be a delicious meal (like the roast) but after 4 or 5 bites of roast and a bite of potatoes, my stomach is already feeling pressure and aching. I think it's the discomfort that really saps the taste and enjoyment from the food.
And I am totally screwed if I am talking or reading while I eat! I practically need total isolation to eat a meal. Otherwise, I lose track of what I'm doing and all of a sudden, I am feeling like my stomach is going to burst. WHAT? How did that happen? Well it happens. An aching, stressed tummy is not conducive to enjoying a meal.
This has been the biggest challenge for me since starting this weight loss journey. The enjoyment and social aspect of eating just isn't the same. I have felt depressed at the limitations of what I can eat and what my family wants to eat. I have felt depressed that I can't eat a meal and top it off with a nice dessert, like most folks. And worst of all, after eating what seems like a reasonable amount, I have been so uncomfortable that I can hardly interact with others or even relax to watch a show because I am so uncomfortable.
I'm a little worried as Thanksgiving approaches. My eyes are still a bit bigger than my stomach - and I will have to be very diligent about not scooping out too much food. But even more seriously, I have to be diligent about paying attention to what my tummy is saying. I have to eat slowly and deliberately and try not to get caught up in the conversation and lose track of what my stomach is saying.
In the end, this challenge is a good thing. I have to remind myself of that. I am losing weight, I am changing my body from a house of potential disease and early death to a healthier place to enjoy a long life. I have so much to look forward to, but that doesn't change the reality that I have chosen this permanent life long challenge that used to be so rote and mindless that I over ate daily and ballooned up to 250 lbs. I have to respect the tool, respect the tummy! It is worth it. It's just part of my journey every single day.
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