The weight loss journey...

Lemme tell ya a little about my weight loss journey.  In all fairness, I think I need to go back a few years.  Let's say...39.75 years.

When someone asks how much I weighed when I was born, most people have the same reaction.  Most women look at me with huge eyes and mouths gaping, waxing on about the suffering that my mother endured.  I was born into this world at 9lbs and 4ozs.  Now, in my defense, I was three weeks overdue.  I would have been a normal sized infant but I didn't want to come out, apparently.  That begins my journey with weight.

Later in my first year of life, I diverged from pudgy baby to a malnurished, skinnier frame due to constant spitting up and vomiting.  My mom tells a story of my dad during this time.  Apparently, they were feeding me rice water and yogurt (an interesting diet probably not recommended in this day and age).  My dad was buying the yogurt and found that the yogurt in the dairy case was expired.  Per my mom's story, my dad became very upset with the market and gave them a good tongue lashing because his baby girl would not be getting the nutrients she needed due to their oversight in dairy dates.

I outgrew the issue that required yogurt and rice water and lived a healthy childhood.  In retrospect and through pictures, I was not an obese child like obese children are today.  I was a little pudgy, mostly vertically challenged.  But I remember a fellow school age girl making a comment to me, one day in the bathroom.  It went something like, "you'll grow out of your baby fat, someday."  Thanks, little girl.  I appreciate the vote of confidence.

Through my early teen years, I felt like I was fat but in truth, I was a little over weight.  Looking back, I would KILL for the weight and body that I had in my teens.  I do remember specifically being 125 lbs when I turned 16.  The unfortunate part was that I experienced a prolonged intestinal illness the summer before I turned 16 and I think that is why I was able to claim 125 lbs on my driver's license.  The closer to graduation I came, the farther from 125 I became.

I do recall my weight at various times in my life, key points.  But I also know that between those key points there may have been higher highs and lower lows than that point.  I remember barely nipping 150 lbs in July 1996, after graduating nursing school and starting my first nursing job (and ending my first marriage).  Of course, that was with the aid of a stressful and  anorexic kind of summer in 1995 and additional pharmacological help in July 1996 from Phen-Fen.  I was looking at relief from an all time high of 211 the few years before.  I know for sure that I was around 170 lbs when I got pregnant, just after my second marriage.  I know that I gained 17 lbs with my pregnancy and did well at keeping the weight off after my baby was born while she nursed.  After she abandoned nursing, of course, the weight came back.  I know that when my second marriage ended, I was pretty heavy, but I can't quantify it specifically. I think I was over my "all time high" by that point.  I'm not real sure, but I think I was around 220 when my third (and final) husband and I met.  After that, the scale was not my friend.  I believe I topped out at near 250 lbs.  WOW!  That is a lot of weight for a 5 foot 1 inch gal.

I started this year, 2012 at around 240.  At that time, I began my plan to have surgery, in earnest.  I started following Weight Watchers as my "physician monitored" diet required by my insurance to be considered for surgery.  I lost nearly 20 lbs over 4-5 months.  It was tough but not impossible.  What I really needed, at that point in my journey, was to see that I could make a change and see results.  Up to that point, I didn't diet much because I always felt so low about myself and I feared the failure.  My significant weight losses had been the result of illness, medication and lies and deceit.  And my weight gains were a result of happiness, unhappiness, divorce, marriage, baby, job changes, life changes and windy days.  I just didn't feel like I could do it.  I was resigned to be fat, forever.

But the ugly truth was that I was unhealthy, developing diabetes, requiring more and more medication to control my cholesterol and I just felt terrible about myself.  I wasn't a good example for my daughter, I wasn't a good example for myself.  I wanted more but I was so scared to fail.

After much consideration, research and soul searching, I decided that I needed another, more permanent tool.  I elected to have a vertical sleeve gastrectomy.  Now, I know this isn't a cure for obesity.  And, I always hear (only in my head) that life changes should be accomplishable without such a severe measure.  But I felt like my life depended on it, my health and well being depended on making a change that I couldn't back out of, couldn't cheat and couldn't ignore.

That's what the sleeve gastrectomy has done for me.  It has given me a tool for success.  A tool that I can't back out of and one that is ever present.  On Weight Watchers, I did well but I could sure cheat if I wanted. And more importantly, I could still over indulge.  The VSG doesn't really let me over indulge.  Let me rephrase that.  I dare not over indulge.  It is simply uncomfortable and painful.  It's a loud reminder of portion control every time I put something in my mouth.

Am I happy that I had the surgery?  I am happy that there was a tool that I found that could help me achieve weight loss.  I'm not so happy that it required surgery, scaring and pain.  Would I do it again?  In a New York minute!  Is it going to be a lasting cure?  That all depends on me.  It has been a tool that has lead me to some real success.  I feel so much better about myself, not just because of the number of pounds that I have lost so far but because of the fact that I am successfully losing weight, successfully making changes in my life, both in my eating and in my activity that has heightened my success.  Do I recommend the VSG to others?  Yes but with a huge caveat.  It is not "the magic bullet".  You aren't absolved of your emotional eating and self esteem baggage just because you have surgery.  You aren't free to eat whatever you want in whatever quantity.  To make this a success, to really glean from surgery what you need to glean, you have to do some work.  Some hard, emotional, soul searching work.  You have to recognize why you overeat, what makes you put the food in your mouth especially when you don't need it.  Most importantly, you have to recognize why you don't feel worthy enough to be healthy, to be a healthy weight.  For me, I am working on being worthy of that, being worth that effort.

It doesn't all get better because of VSG.  There are some tougher issues that come up after the surgery.  I certainly don't enjoy eating like I used to, and I haven't been through a holiday season yet.  I suffer reflux on more occasions than I used to.  My stomach hurts if I don't pay attention to how fast and how much I eat.  There are real differences.  But I guess if there weren't, I'd be in the same boat, huh?!

To date, I have lost about 39 lbs since the two weeks before surgery, a total of 46 lbs this year alone.  I'm not where I want to be, just yet but I am well on my way.  I am happy with the weight loss and I'm happy that I made the decision.  My next goal is to work on getting away from these diabetes and high cholesterol medications and continue to increase my physical activity.  It's a journey, every single day.