Dyson's suck. So does life sometimes.

I have opinions.  I know, real shocker.  I also like to write.  I have two blogs that are painfully neglected and don't see the light of day more than once a year, if that.  I journal, by hand, because I just like to write. And pens.  I have a small addiction.  Never mind that.

So, for whatever reason, I am feeling creative today and thought, I'll blog something.  I have so much insight and wisdom, it's a shame to not share it.

You back there!  Stop snickering!!

.....Before I was so rudely interrupted....I cracked open the laptop and went to Blogger.  I have two blogs that I've started.  I think I intended to make one of them a reflection of my weight loss journey (hence the name Life is a journey) and the other, I wanted to have fun, try to be humorous, be the class clown that I always wanted to be (A Kick in the Pants).

Life happens, you know.  Sometimes when you least expect it, life happens and then shit happens and then shitty life happens.  You see where I'm going there.  So, I did have a couple of things written up and saved as drafts.  I'm reading them this afternoon and, if I say so myself, they are pretty decent.  Without further ado, I am posting one of those.  I think I wrote this in 2016, like February.  I know exactly what was going on at that time and I generally know what motivated the blog.  And funny how, life continued to suck even after such an award winning post.  And then, it didn't suck, as much.  The post really sums up how I felt and have felt over the past couple of years.  I'm not sure I would change a whole lot about the past two years.  What's the point!?  I don't have a time machine.



So here is a forgotten blog dated February, 2016.



Wow.  This has been a rough year.  I know that it's just a little past mid February.  I get that.  But it's been rough already.  Rough like a pot hole riddled street.  Or rough like wooden roller coasters.  Or rough like a canker sore in the corner of your mouth that breaks open every time you talk.  Rough. 

I'm not a religious type who gets much from the old adage that "God never gives you more than you can handle".  I believe that humans are very resilient.  I've seen kids rebound after incredible illness and adversity while working as a bedside nurse.    I don't really believe in Karma either.  You know, "Karma will come back and get ya".  That again suggests some kind of judgmental, superior higher power that monitors our actions and then doles out corresponding consequences.  That suggests that people deserve the adversity that they experience.  

I think rough years, rough months, rough days are a product of life, a product of behavior and decisions, a product of our perception, the sense of entitlement, the environment and sometimes a product of genetics (in some ways).  Having said that, rough days, months and weeks, whatever they are the product of, suck.  Like a Dyson.  They suck.

I think in the end,  our mentality, our personality and our support system is the real teller of how much life can suck.  If you believe that you are a victim, more things will suck and it's not your fault.  If you are stubborn, chances are, lots of things will end up sucking but it's your way or the hi way.  If you're down to earth, even keeled, things suck but you pretty much take it in stride.  If you are upbeat, life sucks but tomorrow WILL be better.  If you're rich, you just buy yourself the Hope Diamond or a baseball team when you're having a sucky day. 

I think we all just try to power through, do what we have to do and move on.  When the situation is over or not over but we have a little break, it is then that we look at the situation, our life and review our options.  Some of us will have a little adult beverage, some are lucky enough to be able to take a break or time out.  Some will find themselves consumed and broken by adversity.  The result really is up to you.

Eating...Uggh!

These last two weeks have been interesting for the weight loss/surgery journey.  I've been experiencing some new and exciting (not) eating challenges.  Now, I've learned something over the last few days.  I think you all may sympathize.  I've learned that we often aren't even scratching the surface when we plan or think about or imagine how something will actually be.  Imagined versus reality.  Head check.

So, in preparation for surgery, I did lots of reading.  I looked over those blogs and imagined how life would be with my new 4-6 oz stomach.  I even..(don't laugh) tried to pretend that I had a little bitty stomach and played like I could only eat little bits.  That was fun because when your stomach isn't truly full but you're trying to pretend that it is, the not full stomach tends to win over the mind thing.  Some people are great at personal control and sacrifice and can really make this mind bend work for them, even for a little bit.  Not me.  That's why I was in the place of being over weight in the first place.  I'm not the epitome of self control.  

I digress. 

I knew going in that this would be a challenge.  I knew that I would be able to eat less and that I may develop some food intolerance.  I knew that my tummy might hurt a little if I ate too much or too fast.  Shoot, I can handle all of that!  This is going to be a tool to make my life better!!  This is what I imagined.

What I failed to really work through in my head before surgery (because I had no clue what it would be like after surgery) was how the social aspect and enjoyment of eating food will change.  Enjoyment of eating food.  I think we all know what that is like.  Think about your favorite food or meal, how that first bite tastes sooooo good.  How the next bite tastes even better and you want another bite.  How it tastes every bit as good as you remembered....yum.  And how much fun it is to eat a great meal with the people that you enjoy and love, chatting it up, reminiscing old times!  And how about that delicious meal that your hubby cooked, you know the one that is your favorite (roast, potatoes and carrots in the crock pot at this house).  You can devour a plate full and go back for seconds not because your so much as still hungry as you just ENJOY the taste.

New reality.  Eating isn't as enjoyable as it used to be.  It's not so much that food tastes different although it kind of does a bit.  It never tastes as good as I remember it did.  Case in point, I was craving a lemon filled donut not too long ago.  I went to Lamar's and got one (it was huge!)  I got home and cut it into quarters because I knew that it would only be about 1/4 that I could eat.  But I was excited.  I LOVE lemon filled donuts.  I ate the quarter and I was disappointed.  It just didn't meet that need like it once had.  It didn't taste  as good.  I thought maybe it was my choice of donut shops.   Another day, I went by Crispy Creme and did the same thing, got a lemon filled donut.  Ate 1/2 of it (it was a much smaller donut than from Lamars) and it just didn't ring my bell like I remembered lemon filled donuts doing.  Talk about disappointed.  Not only was I full for several hours, even close to too full, but I didn't have any room for protein intake and I felt terribly guilty that I was missing out on the opportunity to take in protein because I would have to wait awhile before I could eat again.  

But this happens even with healthy meals.  I can take a few bites and begin to feel full right away.  Not such a bad thing when you're trying to lose weight, for sure.  But it's not great when those bites kind of hurt.  My stomach is small but not so small that I can't eat.  However, certain foods just don't sit in my little stomach like they used to or like other foods do. So, it can be a delicious meal (like the roast) but after 4 or 5 bites of roast and a bite of potatoes, my stomach is already feeling pressure and aching.  I think it's the discomfort that really saps the taste and enjoyment from the food.  

And I am totally screwed if I am talking or reading while I eat!  I practically need total isolation to eat a meal.    Otherwise, I lose track of what I'm doing and all of a sudden, I am feeling like my stomach is going to burst.  WHAT?  How did that happen?  Well it happens.  An aching, stressed tummy is not conducive to enjoying a meal.  

This has been the biggest challenge for me since starting this weight loss journey.  The enjoyment and social aspect of eating just isn't the same.  I have felt depressed at the limitations of what I can eat and what my family wants to eat.  I have felt depressed that I can't eat a meal and top it off with a nice dessert, like most folks.  And worst of all, after eating what seems like a reasonable amount, I have been so uncomfortable that I can hardly interact with others or even relax to watch a show because I am so uncomfortable.  

I'm a little worried as Thanksgiving approaches.  My eyes are still a bit bigger than my stomach - and I will have to be very diligent about not scooping out too much food.  But even more seriously, I have to be diligent about paying attention to what my tummy is saying.  I have to eat slowly and deliberately and try not to get caught up in the conversation and lose track of what my stomach is saying.  

In the end, this challenge is a good thing.  I have to remind myself of that.  I am losing weight, I am changing my body from a house of potential disease and early death to a healthier place to enjoy a long life.  I have so much to look forward to, but that doesn't change the reality that I have chosen this permanent life long challenge that used to be so rote and mindless that I over ate daily and ballooned up to 250 lbs.  I have to respect the tool, respect the tummy!  It is worth it. It's just part of my journey every single day.