So, the following blog was written over 2 years ago. I have a bad habit of writing but not publishing what I've written. I've taken to working on a blog more these days and spent some time reading unpublished blogs. I liked this one because it is so true. The intensity of my emotions at that time are evident, if not relavent even now.
However, life is a huge mystery and has interesting twists and turns, here and there. And our experience with fostercare is no different. As far as we were concerned, we were done in June 2013. Oh, but wait! Come the following February, we weren't done....I'll leave that story for another blog. In the meantime, I still find the following blog to be true.
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I think the purpose of all journey's in life are to learn; to be educated in things of which we do not know. Over the past year, we have certainly gotten a crash course education in being foster parents. We've learned a whole lot about the foster care system, about ourselves and our daughter and about taking care of others. We decided, while an admirable commitment, being foster parents was not in the long term plan for us.
Long story short, we ended our relationship with the foster system and transitioned our foster child to the home that his sister was already residing. While I had feelings of guilt and some grief, I knew that the decision was the right one for us and eventually for the child.
Since the departure of our last foster child, I have had some time to review our journey. Boy, was it a learning experience! I thought I had a handle on what the experience was going to be like; I tried to be informed of the process. But it wasn't until we were knee deep in foster parenting did I recognize that what you learn in the MAPP class and read on the internet scratches only the surface of what this journey can be like, is like. And I know, KNOW that our experience was short and pretty tame in comparison to many others. But all the same, it was an eye opener. And if my musings illuminate the experience of fostering in any way for you, then I am happy to have shared.
So here is just a drop in the bucket of what we learned about the journey of being foster parents.
What I learned about the foster care system...
1. The foster care system is broken. It is critically flawed and fatally wounded. It is inadequately manned and poorly managed. It is a bureaucracy. You are probably saying, "Well, duh! Everyone knows the foster system is messed up." I'm telling you that the system fails as much as it succeeds and it's successes are costly. Kids are in the system for years at a time; they wait months upon months for decisions that will impact their entire lives, all the while not knowing what will happen to them. Case workers and social workers are under paid and over stretched and the turnover is ghastly. Our first foster child had 3 case managers in a 9 week time frame. How's that for consistent care.
2. Case workers are used car salespeople. This isn't a put down as much as a reality check. Sometimes they don't have the full story or all of the information for you as the oncoming foster parent to make an informed decision, and sometimes they just don't share all of the information that they have on hand. While they may want to help you meet your needs and goals with foster care, their primary goal is to get that kid placed in your home, ASAP.
3. Not all systems have an advocate for the foster family. Luckily, Kansas has family service workers for the foster family. If you get a good one, which we did, you have a support system and an advocate. You have a sounding board and a team player. If you don't have an FSC, then you are swimming in the big sea alone. We wouldn't have lasted as long as we did without our FSC (which, we had two in a 11 month period. Had we stayed in, we were getting a new one. Ah, consistency.)
4. We like to believe that the system was built with the child in mind, providing the safest and best care for that child. The truth is, because the foster system is a bureaucracy, there is corruption and favoritism. If you are an accused parent and you have a friend who has some political pull, you can get your kid back in no time flat, whether that's best for the child or not. Seen it. Don't want to go through the pesky protocols in place to protect and ensure safety, call up your political heavy weight and you get your kid back with a 12 hour notice to the foster family. Been there, done that. Real bull shit.
5. There are families who provide foster care as a career. There are families providing foster care with the hopes of building their family and providing love to a kiddo in need. There are families providing foster care trying to make a buck. If you are in foster care or getting in foster care to build your family, be forewarned! You can do that through foster care, but you must have a firm grasp on your heart. See number 2. Most often, they don't know the whole story for these kids or know all of the players. Sometimes a family member comes out of the woodwork and wants to provide care if parental rights have been severed when you were told there weren't any family options for the kids. Heart breaking. Sometimes, you take a child who's parent seems to not get the big picture and you feel certain that no judge in the land would send that kid back home to that parent; then, they are sent back home. Sometimes, like I said before, you just aren't told everything and you don't have the full agenda that the system has. Sad but true.
2. Case workers are used car salespeople. This isn't a put down as much as a reality check. Sometimes they don't have the full story or all of the information for you as the oncoming foster parent to make an informed decision, and sometimes they just don't share all of the information that they have on hand. While they may want to help you meet your needs and goals with foster care, their primary goal is to get that kid placed in your home, ASAP.
3. Not all systems have an advocate for the foster family. Luckily, Kansas has family service workers for the foster family. If you get a good one, which we did, you have a support system and an advocate. You have a sounding board and a team player. If you don't have an FSC, then you are swimming in the big sea alone. We wouldn't have lasted as long as we did without our FSC (which, we had two in a 11 month period. Had we stayed in, we were getting a new one. Ah, consistency.)
4. We like to believe that the system was built with the child in mind, providing the safest and best care for that child. The truth is, because the foster system is a bureaucracy, there is corruption and favoritism. If you are an accused parent and you have a friend who has some political pull, you can get your kid back in no time flat, whether that's best for the child or not. Seen it. Don't want to go through the pesky protocols in place to protect and ensure safety, call up your political heavy weight and you get your kid back with a 12 hour notice to the foster family. Been there, done that. Real bull shit.
5. There are families who provide foster care as a career. There are families providing foster care with the hopes of building their family and providing love to a kiddo in need. There are families providing foster care trying to make a buck. If you are in foster care or getting in foster care to build your family, be forewarned! You can do that through foster care, but you must have a firm grasp on your heart. See number 2. Most often, they don't know the whole story for these kids or know all of the players. Sometimes a family member comes out of the woodwork and wants to provide care if parental rights have been severed when you were told there weren't any family options for the kids. Heart breaking. Sometimes, you take a child who's parent seems to not get the big picture and you feel certain that no judge in the land would send that kid back home to that parent; then, they are sent back home. Sometimes, like I said before, you just aren't told everything and you don't have the full agenda that the system has. Sad but true.
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