The Bumpy Part of the Journey

I don't know if it's the persistent rain, "April Showers Bring May Flowers" or if I just am at a low emotional time or what.  I have been plagued with feeling tired and low and my energy level is in the shitter.  I am feeling overwhelmed and grumpy, sad and frustrated.  Joy is hard to find right now. 

There was a time in my life when this episodic depression was inescapable and sometimes too difficult to handle.  Thanks to maturity and wisdom (and the power of medication), congnitively, I know that this will pass.  I know from experience that this down in the dumps feeling will pass, just as the spring showers will subside to bring flowers and greenness.  I will wake up some morning and feel refreshed and energized; I'll be chipper and joyful.  It will come.  I will get there. 

Right now, though, I am on a bumpy part of life's journey.  It's a gravel road with some pot holes and that grated pile of rock that keeps pulling your wheels off the path (only country folk will understand that reference.)  There's a washout crater running along side my road that keeps making the ride bumpy as hell.  I feel guilty for putting "my car" through this rough road, but it's the only path available to get back on the journey.  I must persist and slow the car down to keep safe and stay on track.  I have to focus and be patient, diligently hanging on to the familiar stearing wheel, having faith in my vehicle, myself.

I just have to remind myself that I don't have do this thing called life perfectly.  I'm imperfect in my humanness and mistakes are a given.  I won't always be the attentive parent that I think I should be. I won't always make the best decisions or be on time.  I won't always respond perfectly or say the right words.  I won't always have the patience and I certainly won't always keep on the path.  But, it's a journey.  It's a process.  In that process, things change and evolve.  What I think I know now, what I think I can do now can change.  And I don't always have to be brave about it.  I don't always have to put on a front.  I can be human. 

This is my life and it's a journey.....every single minute of every single day...

Commitment Renewal

It appears that spring has finally found us here in the midwest.  The weather around here is pretty bipolar and we've had unusually late episodes of inches of snow.  It really is pretty....the first 12 inches.  After repeating that on three seperate occasions, snow is just a four letter word.  A potty word.  I don't want to see it any more!  Take a deep breath, Jen.  There's no snow in the forcast....it's okay. 

I think, no, I know the worst part of so much snow is that it really does reek havic on plans for regaining activity after a long winter.  It's been a long winter around here.  I have definitely not done my best to keep active and to keep my metabolism up so that I can continue to lose weight after my surgery.  Actually, I've done a piss poor job of keeping active.  And it shows!!  While I momentously made it to 45 lbs of weight loss after only 5 months post sleeve gastrectomy, I have managed to invite 7 lbs back on.  "Hey there fat cells! Welcome back.  You all are familiar with the territory around here.  You are safe here cuz you know this chick won't be exercising any time soon....".  Um. Yeah.  I'm not real happy to admit that I have gained a little weight back.  I'm horrified, actually. 

But that is okay.  Being horrified is okay.  It's actually a good thing.  It is a checks and balance system.  I'm horrified that I gained 7 lbs back when I imagine myself eating those little meals that my tiny little tummy can only consume.  The horror is really that I may be eating little meals, but I'm also eating little snacks, a little here and a little there.  Chocolate covered pretzel here, crackers and cheese there, Twix bar over here.....  The very bad habits that got me in the place that I pursued weight loss surgery in the first place.

Now let me tell you, seekers of the bariatric surgery.  Bariatric surgery is not a cure.  Let me repeat this to you again.  Bariatric surgery IS NOT A CURE!!  Surgery is not a fix.  It won't make you skinny and it sure as hell won't fix the brain up in your noggin that got you to the place of obesity.  This is a tool.  Surgery is a tool.  It is Weight Watchers, it is the tredmill that poses as your laundry bin, it is the running shoes that lay in the middle of the hall way, it is the tiny plate that you use to eat from, it is the buddy system between you and your co worker.  Surgery is just, and I mean 'only' a part of the process.  Surgery is only a piece of the puzzle. 

I had heard this retoric the first time I was considering bariatric surgery.  "Surgery is simply a tool."  Blah, blah, I thought.  It's going to make me skinny!  I want the surgery! It's gonna fix me!!  But, as time passed and I examined further into the process, I started to see that some of the things that I meant to hold tight to even after surgery were likely not going to be helpful to my success.  And then I started to ask the questions that I didn't want to ask nor wanted to answer.  Am I willing to give up, forever, finally, some things that are not good for me in order to commit to finding health and longevity?  And the real truth is, at the time, a couple of years back, I wasn't ready to give those things up.  I wasn't willing to give those things up.  

Alas, I did a good bit of soul searching and I found that place in my psyche that made more sense than Dr. Pepper.  It said that I really love my life.  I really love my husband and my beautiful daughter.  And I want to be around for as long as I can to see and be with them.  We have a lot of things to do in this old life and if I continue to live the way I am living, I won't be here long enough to do those things.  And while I am here, I'll be miserable and unhealthy.  Damn it, that's not what I want.  So I made that decision to commit to a surgical procedure that reduced the size of my stomach from the size of a deflated football to the size of a yogurt cup.  I made the commitment to my family that I would make changes and do the things that I needed to do to change my risk factors and live a longer, healthier life. And so I did.

You all know about commitment, though.  You all know how tough it is to commit to getting up when the alarm goes off, THE FIRST TIME.  You know how tough the commitment to putting away the pack of cigarettes, getting out of bed early to exercise, taking only one serving, yelling less at the kids, reading more books at bedtime with the kids, spending more quality time with the hubs, saying thank you every time, keeping your middle finger below the level of the dash as you drive...you ALL know the challenges of making commitments, making tough promises.  It's hard stuff.  And I believe it is human nature to not be so great at commitments.  There's so many temptations, so many excuses, so little time.  It's so hard!

So the little piece of wisdom, of insight that I have today is this:  Every day is a new day and every new day is a chance to recommit to what is important to you.  Today, with a little help, I'm renewing my commitment to my health and well being.  And thanks to a good friend in the same boat, I am recommiting to myself.  As long as you draw breath, it is never too late to try again.