I like to fantasize of the days when she was much younger. She drove me crazy then too, but she was so damn cute I couldn't resist. And, it seemed like I could handle her behaviors and outburst by chalking it up to being little and not having the skills to make all the right decisions. When I gave consequences then, she complied and might even come to me feeling sorry.
Imparting consequences when she was younger was easier too, it seemed. Time out was pretty effective and readily available. I didn't really have to think about it much. You throw a fit, time out you go. You pull the dogs tail, apologize to the dog and time out you go. Now days, time out is where she wants to be. She can avoid me and pout or ignore me in the privacy of her time out spot, her room. Finding meaningful consequences is so hard. I don't like taking away the electronics every time she does something or breaks a rule because it doesn't always fit the crime. I want the consequences to be meaningful and relevant but I'm just not always so quick to come up with a good consequence. And, if I'm really ticked, I don't think logically because I'm pissed.
And some parents follow the ignore it if it's not a big deal parenting tract. I tried that for about 11 years and I don't think that worked for us. Not only do I have a strong willed, opinionated tween. I have a kid who naturally pushes boundaries. What's hers is hers, what's mine is hers and what's everyone else's might be hers if she can pull it off without you noticing.
Today, while I took a recovery nap after working a night shift, she elected to wear a pair of my shoes ...to do what I don't have a clue. (Seemingly, not a big deal, right? Except, we've been down this road a FEW times now.) All I know is that they were wet and not where I had them last. When I asked her about the shoes, she didn't have a clue why they were wet and yes, I wore them, so?!
During the same recovery nap, she also elected to play with my phone. Now, she has her own smart phone that is just as fast and advanced as mine. Mine just happens to have a nifty stylus that makes neat pictures, which she doesn't have. Again, we've been down this road. That's my phone. I don't want you to break it or drop it or put crap apps on it. It's mine. Can I have something of my own? My little boundary pusher.... I finally become awake and privy to what is going on and demand my phone back. Off on her merry way she goes. When I examine my phone. Not only is my battery depleted but there are several apps that I didn't download. WTF? Grrrrrrr.
Now, I am torqued. I need to reestablish boundaries, here. These boundary violations continue to happen and I don't seem to be making a dent in the fact that you can't just do what you want, when you want to. Consequences....what to do, what to do??
This is the part of parenting that has always plagued me. I'm usually responding out of emotion, in the heat of the moment. Today, I try something a little different. Now, mind you, she's in her room supposed to be doing a weekly summer review on the computer and I suspect she isn't. So, I check on her and to my surprise, she IS doing what she is supposed to be doing. I tell her to come see me when she has completed her 30 minutes of computer time. Jackpot! Time to come up with a consequence! Now the hard part. I could just take away the electronics.... But that is so easy and obviously ineffective.
I'm gonna go where the violation started. She wore my shoes with my explicit instructions not to. You wear my shoes, I take all of yours. Yep. Bring me every pair of shoes that you own and you can ask permission for the next 24 hours if you need to wear a pair of shoes. What about my cleats for softball tonight? You can ask permission. Further, you can bring me your phone and it is now my phone until bedtime. (The real consequence here comes later.) She's sufficiently mad and storms off to her room. I hear her rant and rave in her room. (Usually a trigger of emotion for me. Instead of reacting, I write this blog post. Humm!)
About 20 minutes goes by and no shoes or phone. Errrr, what? Oh my little boundary pusher!! I go to her room and she is pouting on her bed. I said bring ALL of your shoes to me. When I tell you to do something, you do it! Door closes, ranting and raving ensue. Another 10 minutes pass. Okay, I'm feeling the blood boiling a bit. I have to coach myself to not react. Pursue consequence! I attempt to open the door and tween is sitting there "gathering shoes". Of course, it is like hunting pygmy ants in the Amazon looking for shoes in her messy room. Enters fuming tween with armful of shoes. Second trip, a few more deposited. And the phone, I say. I'M GETTING IT! Deep breath for me. Don't react. She brings the phone and I calmly advise her that the phone is now mine for 24 hours due to her attitude and prolonged execution of the consequences.
Now, I am versed in "devil's advocate" language and I can already hear the opposing banter. Aren't I just doing what she did to me by taking the phone and wiping away all of the apps? Is that part really necessary? Isn't taking the phone (and her shoes for that matter) enough? Let's look at this a little closer. I'm pretty obvious with the rules and kind of a repeat reminder. She's old enough to "hear" what I tell her; she CHOOSES not to follow the rules. I have to step up the game and be more consistent as a parent. Result: weird but hopefully effect consequences.
If you happen to know me, you may already know that I have taken away her clothing wardrobe in the past for her repeatedly not putting her CLEAN clothes away and dumping the clean laundry onto her floor to intermingle with dirty laundry. Sometimes, you gotta be creative.
So, we'll see how these consequences shake out. I don't know. All I can hope for is that my thoroughly obstinate, strong willed child learns to use her powers for good and realizes there are boundaries for behavior. I question my efforts and effectiveness daily, sometimes to tears. If parenting were easy and these lessons learned readily, there would be a lot less war and crime. But, it's not easy; it takes effort and some level of insanity and creativity. I hope that I am doing it at least adequately. We'll see as this journey called life goes.
